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Post by fracturedprince on Jun 24, 2006 21:59:06 GMT 10
Just wanted to know if this could be worth writing out as a real story..
Betrayel has it's cost regradless of what it's for..
Mission:
It was winter in the North Continent and it was well known to the people that the Dark Land were often the coldest, even in the summer triad.
His hands shock, as they were effected by the cold. It was so cold, that he could even see the condensation on his rifle. But that and the cold would not have been enough for him to stop what he was doing.
He must succeed, without failure. For himself and others. Well, that was what he told himself.
Waite moved into location and made the final preparations. He needed a clear and precise shoot as this would be his only opportunity. It was then that he heard a noise and turned his head. It was human, but could not distinguish the identity from plain sight. But, it was his target, he had only needed to look and he knew.
Waite moved his hand to the trigger and aimed the barrel, then squeezed the trigger as hard as he could. Closing his eyes at the last minute he knew that he might’ve missed and squeezed the trigger again. When it was confirmed kill he let out a cry at what had done. He never knew that he was capable of such a thing. To kill is to murder, and to murder a fellow patriarch is a crime greater then any other. Betrayal, even for the greater good does have its costs.
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Post by YahNe on Jun 25, 2006 8:58:37 GMT 10
It has story appeal, but you still can't fix up your tenses and you shouldn't repeat the same word so many times in one paragraph. It was winter in the North Continent and it was well known to the people that the Dark Land were often the coldest, even in the summer triad. You could either fix Dark Land to Dark Land s or change were to was. His hands shock, as they were effected by the cold. It was so cold, that he could even see the condensation on his rifle. But that and the cold would not have been enough for him to stop what he was doing. Too many colds!!! Got any other words to describe it? Don't just use one word to describe everything and say it'll do for everything else. Also effected should be affected... I think - I always get confused with those two... Your sentences are also rather... choppy, but all in all this is really good.
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Karasu
Random Poster
Posts: 308
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Post by Karasu on Jul 11, 2006 15:59:11 GMT 10
Did you even read her suggestions?
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Post by fracturedprince on Jul 12, 2006 11:36:17 GMT 10
Haven't done an edit yet. But i have read yahne's comments. i do agree with many of them
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Nea
Blarbimajiggledom
Blue on Blue
Posts: 55
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Post by Nea on Jul 12, 2006 13:35:07 GMT 10
Betrayal...it's betrayal.
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Post by YahNe on Aug 29, 2006 17:32:24 GMT 10
WOOT! Jas makes her stand!
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Post by Fractured Princess on Sept 28, 2006 9:43:49 GMT 10
*Dances*
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Post by Akuma Ookami on Sept 29, 2006 9:29:26 GMT 10
... No comment (I seem to be doing that alot lately... Feh).
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Post by @-}----Kerz----{-@ on Oct 7, 2006 22:28:03 GMT 10
it would b betta with a better descriptive start. buy a thesaurus and use MSWord bcoz it edits ur spellin but always proofread ur work coz MSWord doesnt get everything.
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Post by fracturedprince on Oct 10, 2006 22:05:44 GMT 10
i'll have to edit the piece soon.
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Post by YahNe on Oct 11, 2006 7:43:53 GMT 10
It's been there for 4 months. How long does it take to edit a few paragraphs? Just curious.
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